DOMESTIC RELATIONS
HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don"t you think, love, if I were to smoke, it would spoil the curtains?"
WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the world; certainly it would."
HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtains down."
Willie"s grandmother had come to visit them.
"Are you mamma"s mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation.
"No, dear. I"m your grandmother on your father"s side."
"Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow), "all I got to say is you"re on the wrong side."
SHE--"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and people are married."
HE--"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband and people are divorced."
Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid.
"Any damage done your way?" the first asked.
"Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother were blown clean out of the window. The neighbors say it"s the first time they"ve been seen to leave the house together in seventeen years."
_See also_ Families; Marriage.
DREAMS
"Mother, wasn"t that a funny dream I had last night?" said a little boy who was busily engaged with his breakfast cereal.
"Why, I"m sure I don"t know!" replied his mother. "I haven"t the slightest idea what your dream was about."
"Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy reproachfully. "You were in it."
DRINKING
If all be true that I do think, There are five reasons we should drink; Good wine--a friend--or being dry-- Or lest we should be by and by-- Or any other reason why.
--_Dr. Henry Aldrich_.
Maybe one swallow doesn"t make a summer, but it would brighten it up considerably.
_Dangerous Advice_
CURATE--"You should be careful! Don"t you know that drink is mankind"s worst enemy?"
JEEMS--"Yes; but don"t you teach us to love our enemies?"
"p.u.s.s.yfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland failed recently, was discussing his failure with a New York editor.
"Yes, I failed," he ended, "and I"m very sorry. Conditions in Scotland are very bad."
"Did you ever hear the story of the deacon"s daughter? This story ill.u.s.trates Scottish conditions very well.
"The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and as it was rainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful or two of whisky after her bath to keep herself from catching cold. Then in her dressing-gown she went to bid her little daughter good night. She stooped over the child"s cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kiss the little girl drew back sharply, sniffed and said:
""Why, mamma, you"ve been using father"s perfume, haven"t you?""--_Detroit Free Press_.
"Now, Sam," said the speaker, "I want you to be present when I deliver this speech."
"Ya.s.suh."
"I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take a drink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my forehead with my handkerchief, you laugh."
"You better switch dem signals, boss. It"s a heap mo" liable to make me laugh to see you standin" up dar deliberately takin" a drink o"
water."
A Washington business man, says the Sat.u.r.day Evening Post, desiring to test the relative efficiency of two makes of mucilage, handed the bottles one morning to his shiny-faced negro messenger.
"Here, John," he said; "try these and see which is the stickiest."
John did not show up at the office again until about noon-time.
He approached his employer"s desk somewhat cautiously and gingerly deposited thereon the two bottles of mucilage.
"Well, John," asked the boss, "which did you find the stickiest?"
"It wuz lak dis, boss," was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma mouf de most; but de other one, de taste lasted de longest."