"Thank you," Erica finally murmured. "I don"t understand, but I feel better."
They walked toward the house in silence. In the kitchen, Ariel paused to pull on the clothes, then filled the tea kettle.
"So, you do some sort of water acrobatics?"
She nodded and smiled. It was somewhat close to the truth, close enough that her eyes sparkled.
"I thought you were drowning. I can"t swim. I was too busy with horses when I was growing up."
Ariel looked a question and Erica seemed to make up her mind. "Bring your tea into my room."
Ariel had only glimpsed the inside of Erica"s large bedroom. There was a spa.r.s.e seating area with a settee and a low table crowded with books and papers. A ma.s.sive desk with cubbyholes and a computer dominated another corner of the room. The bed, its four thick posts devoid of curtains or tapestries, was also ma.s.sive, but it was a perfect compliment to large picture windows facing the woods. In the distance there was either fog or sea, she couldn"t tell which.
She tore her gaze from the bed, too easily picturing herself spread out on it, and Erica"s naked body on top of hers.
Erica set several alb.u.ms down on the cluttered table, and Ariel joined her on the settee. "This is Algonquin, isn"t she a beauty?"
Ariel studied the photograph of a very young Erica. She was dwarfed by the large chestnut, but her face beamed with confidence. Ariel outlined the splash of white on the horse"s head and nodded. A beautiful creature, but not as lovely as the shining child that stood next to her.
They turned the pages and Erica let the stories pour out of her. "Dressage isn"t so hard, it just takes a good horse and patience. I loved going to compet.i.tions, and I had so many friends. I met an English princess and an Egyptian sheik, and it all seemed so charmed."
The light outside faded as Erica showed Ariel her life. She"d been everywhere in the world, and her voice was mixed with fond memory and an edge of unhealed grief.
"I think I would be in a different place if Daddy hadn"t died when he did. Mom sent me back to boarding school after the funeral and I guess I thought nothing would change. Then she got remarried, and that a.s.shole... Dad"s money was in trust from his great-grandfather. When he died the trust moved on to my brother. He was supposed to provide for mom and me, but he didn"t like her new husband. Don"t blame him. The jerk spent mom"s money like it was water. But when my brother found out I was gay, that was enough excuse to cut me off too. So he kept it all."
Erica"s voice was laden with annoyance, but not true anger. "I was fine, because I hadn"t wasted the education I got, and I went into international consulting and kept up my riding and my girlfriends ... and life was good. I had an inheritance from Dad and I bought this house because I"d never lose it. No matter what, I"d have it."
She shut the last alb.u.m abruptly. "And I"ve kept it." Her eyes were shadowed, and the tender smiles were gone. "You can"t take away a person"s primary residence, no matter how much it costs."
Ariel didn"t understand what Erica meant, but she could hear that there was an untold story. She gently touched the back of Erica"s hand.
"What?" Erica look at her in the low light for a long moment, then shook away Ariel"s touch. "I did think you were real, Ariel. That you wanted me, not Erica, horse G.o.ddess and heiress. But I don"t know what you really wanted."
Maybe there was too much truth in her eyes, Ariel thought, as Erica suddenly snapped, "A good f.u.c.k, wasn"t it? That"s all you were after. I was just a stud."
Ariel wanted to retort that Erica had been looking for the same thing. She tried to say it with her eyes. You were just there for p.u.s.s.y, for someone to coo Yes and Please in your ear.
"Don"t give me that look, like I"m to blame. Okay, fine, sure, I wanted to f.u.c.k somebody. And I f.u.c.ked you, you sure liked it enough. I"d have called you again. I"d have wanted to see if we could keep on feeling that good together. We were too easy and too fabulous together for a one-night stand. But that"s all I would have been to you, huh? A f.u.c.k, and good-bye? So don"t give me that look."
Ariel turned her face away. Suddenly the proposition that mer deserved human song in exchange for allowing them the surface of the seas didn"t seem so persuasive. Don"t feel for them, don"t pity, don"t love, the queen cautioned. Just use their bodies and leave them singing for you, as if bodies and souls and hearts were not connected.
"Doesn"t anything get through to you? Don"t you feel me?"
Ariel nodded, and turned to face Erica again. She cupped Erica"s face, trying to say that maybe she didn"t understand everything, but she was still sorry.
Erica pushed her roughly back onto the settee. "I don"t need your tender pity. That isn"t what I want from you."
Erica yanked down Ariel"s pants, her voice choked with bitterness. "I had a life before you. I had dreams that weren"t h.e.l.l. All I wanted that night was to remember how good it was to hear yes. To be wanted. You wanted me."
Ariel frantically nodded yes. Sea mother help me, Ariel thought, I can"t say no. She"s the one with all the self-control. Weak human? Erica was stronger than Ariel was. Erica tossed Ariel"s pants on the floor and Ariel spread her legs. She was all yes.
Erica leaned over her, pinning Ariel"s shoulders to the cushions. The crotch of her pants ground into Ariel"s exposed flesh, setting off explosive shocks on Ariel"s skin.
Erica gazed down at her, watching Ariel respond to the pressure of her hips. "Just say yes, Ariel. I have to have yes. Say yes and I will f.u.c.k you for days." / want to fill you completely, touch every good place until you scream from pleasure. Please, Ariel.. .
Ariel wrapped her legs around Erica"s hips. It felt so good. She was very close and thought hysterically that she no longer cared about the cure. She opened her mouth to give Erica what she asked for.
But even as the word formed on her tongue, Erica was letting her go. "Why do I want you? Your yes was nothing but a lie."
Ariel sat up slowly, her head swimming, and realizing how close she had been to losing it all.
"I"m sorry, Ariel, I shouldn"t have touched you like that. Please... please go."
Ariel picked up her pants, aware that the smell of her arousal was plain in the air. The only reason Ariel would make it to the cure was because Erica was strong. Ariel would live and Erica would die.
She slept against the wall nearest Erica"s bed, dreaming of her hair strewn over Erica"s long, lean body. They danced and writhed together in every imaginable, twisting position. They sang freely of their pa.s.sion, planned more nights of pleasure and days of laughter. Ariel turned mountains of sh.e.l.ls into a waterfall of golden coins and Erica galloped along the beach where Ariel communed with the sea. Then a cloud pa.s.sed over the ocean, and the ground trembled. Erica"s strength was gone and Ariel"s song of love turned to a siren"s lament.
Their routine altered after that. Their daylight contact was fleeting. Erica stayed in her room, even when summer heat stifled the air. But at night she would wander the house and find Ariel, and hold out her hand. Ariel went with her and they would move together across Erica"s bed, never touching where they ached most to be touched. Their legs would tangle, their pelvises rock, and the kisses-needy, bruising, dueling kisses-seemed to last for hours. Erica would finally push Ariel away and fall into restless sleep. Ariel would doze lightly, waiting for the least sign that Erica wanted to hold or be held again. It was a long way from comfort, but she could think of nothing else that would make either of them feel better.
She begs me to say yes. Any other lover would have just taken me by now. My eyes say what my mouth won"t I"m not sure I care about the cure. The days are so long when she won"t let me near. And these nights are a torture beyond the grotto. Every inch of my skin is aware that she is within my grasp. My every thought tells me to touch, to take. I am supposed to break, but I already feel so broken I do not remember what being whole felt like. Always the thought torments me that I will find wholeness, but only in her arms.
Wind blew red and gold leaves from the trees, and their soft fall against the gla.s.s reminded Ariel of the whisper of surf on sand. It was a chilly fall night, but the bed was hot from the hours of Erica making love to her until both of them could hardly breathe. She pushed Ariel"s hands away when Ariel tried to touch her back.
"I only want one thing from you, Ariel. Say yes."
Ariel could easily see Erica"s silver eyes in the dark. She lifted her hand again, only to have Erica press it back to the mattress. Ariel found herself struggling, then she pushed Erica hard and tried to feel her breast through the T-shirt Erica rarely removed. Erica slapped her hand away and then Erica was on top of her, her anger right at the surface.
Ariel arched her back with a noiseless moan that shook through her whole body. Erica"s hand was stroking her swollen, aching flesh, playing in the folds and slick, endless wet, just as she had that night.
"This is what you want, isn"t it? I ought to just give it to you! You like it rough? I can do that."
Ariel braced herself, holding back her whimper.
I want to f.u.c.k you to pieces. I want you Ariel. You"re everywhere, everything. Tell me what you want. Erica"s song was edged with desperate violence, and Ariel felt a brush of fear. Ariel knew she flirted with losing the cure, and flirted with Erica"s losing control. If Erica snapped and did f.u.c.k Ariel, would it mean losing the cure was Erica"s fault? Is nothing ever your fault, she asked herself. Would it be just another unfairness, if Erica doesn"t stop this time?
Erica rolled off of her, her breath coming in ragged sobs. "I scared you, I"m sorry."
Ariel crawled across the bed to hold Erica, not understanding anything except that it hurt parts of her that had never been touched before to see Erica cry so helplessly.
Erica shook her off after a few minutes. "Don"t touch me right now. I might not stop next time. I don"t care if that"s how you want it. I won"t do that again."
Ariel cupped Erica"s face and turned her so they were looking into each other"s eyes. She shook her head, raised her eyebrows, tried to say she didn"t understand, but she wanted to.
"My life is running down a drain. I can feel it. The night I met you was the last time I felt alive."
Ariel rearranged herself and pulled Erica"s head into her lap. Her fingers played lightly over the white temples.
Erica sighed deeply. "When you have nothing but money and everyone thinks you live like some prince, n.o.body expects you to be good at anything but partying. So that was my goal in life. To be a good party. I liked women and I liked s.e.x, and so along the way I decided to be a good f.u.c.k."
Ariel nodded with a tender look she hoped said she understood. What other goal in her long life had she ever had except to be fun?
Erica didn"t seem to notice. "This girl I picked up in New York was wild and I"d been to a few clubs and seen the serious players do their thing. Maybe she thought I was a serious player. Maybe... I don"t know. There were things I wouldn"t do. She begged, and begged, and one night finally started a fight. I don"t mean yelling. I mean with her fingernails. I didn"t want to hurt her. But that"s what she wanted."
Ariel knew the sound of a bitter ending. Erica"s voice was laden with it.
"I got angry when she clawed me again and I just lost it. She kept screaming she wanted it and so I f.u.c.ked her, mad and half-drunk and holding her down. I swear, I swear to you I thought that was what she wanted. I didn"t know different until the letter arrived from this lawyer she"d hired. Maybe it was all meant to be a scam. But she had a doctor"s statement saying she"d been s.e.xually abused, and they had a sample of my blood. The scratches from her nails, she"d clawed my hand and some got smeared on her ... somewhere down there. And I"d go to jail unless I paid. And then I"d pay anyway."
Ariel knew about ironic fate. She knew all about it. And she understood now more than ever how words sometimes lacked all clarity.
"I should have just left. Somehow it got out even though she was the one doing the hitting. I know I shouldn"t have f.u.c.ked her because I was angry. Even if that was what she wanted, wanted me to lose control. I"d always asked her before we did anything rough. That night-I just don"t know. Maybe she thought she"d hold me up for money. Maybe she tried to say no and I didn"t hear her. I play it back in my head, Ariel. I hear the echoes of her crying and moaning, and it"s like torture."
Ariel closed her eyes. A single mistake, a lapse in better judgment. It was all too familiar. What if, that night, she had realized that even with a rose, Erica had to be a lesbian? She ought to have seen it, and avoided her. She ought to have worried regardless of roses and games about inadvertently infecting any human woman. It wasn"t blameless to be ignorant that she was a lesbian-dying was dying and dead was dead. How often had she joked with her hunting friends about their above-sea lovers being only humans?
"She got her money. My lawyers said the evidence was good, and we paid. That was the last of my inheritance money and everything I"d saved working. I had to sell my horses, Ariel, all of them. I didn"t care about the paintings and the Chinese rugs and the cars and the s.h.i.t like that. But I lost my horses."
Erica rolled off of Ariel"s lap and buried her face in the mattress. "And then after I thought she was out of my life, and I"d settled my last few investments and decided to live quietly, I went out on New Year"s Eve. I thought I"d find someone willing and sweet, who would say yes, and we"d have a really good time. I needed a clear, honest yes. Everything was going to get better."
Ariel stroked Erica"s back and felt the tight, knotted muscles through the shirt. She circled them lightly, hoping to ease Erica"s discomfort. She knew the rest of the story.
"Then I met you. I thought we were great together. It was just getting good. We ... fit. We clicked. I felt whole again, when I was inside you. Something was right about the way we moved together. And then you ran away."
She rolled out from under Ariel"s hands. "Why? Why did you leave me? Why can"t I stop thinking about you? I spent what money I made working on detectives. Then I just couldn"t work anymore, I couldn"t focus on anything but you. I would try to follow conversations and get lost. The money ran out and I lived on selling the remaining paintings, one by one. Where did you go? Why are you here? I feel cursed, Ariel. Like if I let myself want something it"s always taken away."
Erica"s suffering was so much like Ariel"s in the grotto that tears spilled down Ariel"s cheeks. Erica touched them, and put her wet fingers to her lips, tasting Ariel"s salt.
"Tears for me? I don"t want them, Ariel. I would like to stop feeling like I"m the primary amus.e.m.e.nt of some twisted, lesser G.o.d."
Ariel swallowed hard and wanted to answer, wanted somehow to comfort Erica"s confusion. For a moment Erica looked as if she could read Ariel"s regret, but then she turned her face away. "I want to sleep. Could you-go in the other room tonight?"
Ariel left in silence, but she heard Erica"s tears, streaming in the dark toward a bleak sunrise. Ariel, Ariel... why...
The seasons turned again, and Ariel noticed that Erica"s shoulders had become like razors. Her powerful legs had lost all their tone and even if she"d had the chance, Ariel wasn"t sure Erica could have stayed on a moving horse. She hardly ate now. She grew more tired, and sometimes asked Ariel to nap with her during the day, to spoon and hold her. "It hurts but it doesn"t. I feel better with you here."
Ariel understood that only too well. It might have been comforting, even, if she hadn"t also heard the truth in Erica"s song. I need her near me, I don"t know why. I hate this feeling, and I dread every new day. Ariel, I want you, say yes for me . . .
Winter sunlight was infrequent, and her glimpses of home grew rare. Caliba was always at a party or a gathering. Ariel thought she saw signs that she had caught the queen"s eye. Her clan would be happy. The glimpses left her feeling sad and empty. Didn"t anyone miss her? Had they only liked Ariel because of what Ariel provided in the way of fun?
Ariel"s daily walk to the pond and a nightly ritual of a long hot bath were her only comforts outside of Erica"s arms. A dash of bath salts she had found in the bathroom cupboard, and carefully eked out, made it something like the bathing pools of home. She missed home, missed the ease of that life, all the things that made being mer so fortunate. And yet as she pictured that life she could pick out no particular day that was better than another. She could recall only moments of pa.s.sion, and nearly all of those had been bedding human women. Had she ever really belonged in that easy life? It felt all wrong now, and she wasn"t sure she could go back and not feel the ill-fit of that life against her skin.
She submerged herself in the water, breathing easily. It felt good to use her mer lungs. She opened her eyes to watch the shimmer of the water"s surface, so beguiling. From her earliest breath she had asked to find out what was on the other side of that shimmer. When she got out of the tub she"d dry herself and join Erica in bed. Erica said she liked Ariel"s hot, soft body at her back. She said it made the winter go away.
The light changed and she realized that Erica had come into the bathroom. She"d never done that before. Ariel hastily lifted her head out of the water, breathing hard, as if she"d had to hold her breath. She wasn"t prepared for Erica"s hands cupping her face, pulling her further up for a desperate, wet kiss.
"I can"t do this, Ariel. Please say yes, please."
There were two days left of the year. She would say yes in two days, yes to anything Erica wanted. She tried to say that with her mouth, her eager tongue, but how could Erica understand?
Erica was lifting her out of the water, pulling Ariel"s warm, wet body into a full embrace. Two more days, Ariel told herself, even as she arched against Erica with her body"s perpetual yes. Two more days.
"I can"t," Erica repeated, over and over. "I won"t."
Ariel put her arms around Erica"s shoulders as she kissed her throat. Erica usually pulled back by now, but she sighed instead and cupped the back of Ariel"s head, guiding her down to the b.r.e.a.s.t.s that had hardened under the now wet T-shirt.
Her heart hammering with desire, Ariel bit the prominent nipples and reveled in Erica"s moan.
Then Erica was pushing her away, getting to her feet. "We"re going out. You like to play games, so that"s what we"ll do. G.o.d knows I should have done this when you showed up. How could I have put up with this for nearly a year? It"s like time has no meaning when I"m with you." She indicated a bundle of clothes on the counter. "Those are for you. Relics of a past."
Ariel took the proffered clothes, and just didn"t know what to think. Erica rarely left the house, and when she did it was on foot. Groceries were delivered and no other trades people had ever called. She hadn"t thought a human could live so disconnected from her world.
"I don"t have my millions any longer, but there"s enough for a night on the town. Get dressed."
Ariel waited for Erica to leave before she explored the clothes. The very short black skirt was made of leather, as short as the one she had worn that night. The blouse was sheer. The hose were held up by a garter belt that was the only undergarment. The shoes were a mere strap of leather over stilettos so high she was on tiptoe.
Below sea she"d wear less and think nothing of it. She"d accept compliments and roving touches without a blush. What she displayed she liked to have noticed and appreciated. But above sea, it was different. This outfit made her feel powerless. Did Erica want her hurt? Not that she blamed Erica for being angry and bitter. She thought that Erica had begun to suspect that she was sick.
And how about you, Ariel, she thought. Her cheeks were hollow, her skin a sickly pale shade, like a flower grown without enough light. Her hair had never recovered from the grotto and if she looked close, she could see flecks of white at her temples. She was sick, too, and could feel something she never had before: the breath of mortality. It frightened her. She should live another thousand years. Even if she did, she would feel every year"s pa.s.sing from now on.
She made her way to the foyer, her heart pounding with uncertainty. Erica looked her up and down without smiling, but offered a calf-length black overcoat to shelter her from the night air. It matched the one Erica wore. All Ariel could see of Erica was her long legs encased in soft leather trousers.
A cab was waiting. They drove down the wandering country lane, then turned away from the sea, crossing the last set of hills into the glowing lights of human civilization. In a few minutes they emerged from a tunnel and the dazzling panorama of San Francisco sparkled on the other side of the straits. Ariel had hunted more than once under the graceful bridge they traveled over, but she"d never experienced it this way. She would have liked to look more openly at the night lights, but Erica"s dark mood was frightening her.
They stopped at a club not unlike The Pisces, but the crowd outside wasn"t the effervescent party gathering from that fateful New Year"s. Brooding silence was broken only by the pulse of low-toned music. Women in leather walked in varying shows of power, muscles flexing in gloved hands or heavy boots mastering the pavement.
"If you can"t say yes to me, maybe you can to one of them. Somebody has control of you and maybe someone here can break it. It"s been nearly a year, Ariel. We"re strangers and yet we"re not. I don"t know why you won"t talk to me, why you won"t let us have what we both want." Erica laughed, and it reminded Ariel of the queen"s cruel smile. "There are women here who won"t care that you don"t talk."
Ariel was shaking as she got out of the cab. She had often fantasized about a night like this, about giving herself completely in a way other mer seemed not to understand. But reality was different from fantasy. She had always loved s.e.x with human women but now she was scared. She didn"t understand what Erica hoped to have happen.
Was Ariel supposed to beg for it to stop or to begin? Would a yes torn out of her in pain truly satisfy Erica?
Erica wouldn"t look at Ariel as they crossed the sidewalk to the club door. Inside, her coat was taken away and Erica roughly ushered her deeper into the club. The music was painfully loud. Ariel just kept looking into Erica"s face. What did Erica want her to do? Erica didn"t know Ariel"s life was at stake. But you knew, she reminded herself, you knew when you met Erica that her life could be at risk. You didn"t care. Why should Erica care about your life?
How much was she going to have to pay tonight for the suffering Erica had endured? Would it make any difference at all? I"ll do it, she thought desperately. I"d do anything if I thought it would help her. But this place is a mistake.
The first woman Erica let get close to them never looked at Ariel"s face. Her long red hair was lightly touched and approved. She was just flesh and wet, an object. Fantasies had held moments like these, and it had seemed what she wanted. What could she do? Without mer voice she couldn"t manipulate any of them, either. She had no weapons here. She realized, then, she was as close to being human as she had ever been.
It was terrifying.
Erica was nodding and they were getting up, looking at Ariel expectantly. Ariel began to shake her head, then pull back, but Erica was stronger. With Erica"s body straining against hers Ariel flashed back to the club, to that night. She wanted Erica, not a stranger.
Their struggling hiked up her skirt and Ariel felt another pair of hands on her, grasping her hips. She was flipped around and the woman taking them to the back stared down into Ariel"s exposed crotch.
"She"s hot for it, isn"t she? There"s really only one way to get a fire cat like this under control."
The open-handed slap across her face caught Ariel by surprise. She fell to her knees, stunned. Her fear catalyzed to anger and she let her magic surge. She would use her mer voice if she had to. She"d rather die with Erica than let anyone abuse her. She hadn"t said yes to this but she was sure as kelp going to make it understood that she was saying no.
In that moment, Ariel realized she did have some control over what happened to her. She had choices she had ignored. Nothing in her life was decreed. She would not be made even more of a victim.
She began to rise, but Erica stood protectively over her, shouting in the other woman"s face, "I told you not to hurt her! That wasn"t the deal."